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Friday, March 29, 2013

Misc - The Me i Never Knew.

Hi peeps,

sorry for the lack of update and the long hiatus from the bloggingsphere, life has been life... a never ending sine wave of happy and sorrowful moments.
I've guess it's about time for me to just write it all out, release this heavy burden that has been pressing me in.

Let's see, to start off, i'll continue from where i left off from my last post, which i practically can't remember what was it about [brb, reads previous post] Okay, i'm back, so it seems like i've updated you slightly about the Phuket trip and China trip, in case you didn't read, both were awesome, looking back, it was a lil too short :(

And so, after returning from the trips, i started a new phase of life - the job searching phase and the working life phase.
Not too long after the trips, i started work on the 10th of Sept 2012, i was offered a job as a "Service information Developer" which basically is just a programmer's job with a fancy name, Hewlett Packard is the name of my new found employer.

Taking a quick time travel back to the last few months of studying, to cut the long story short, i was rejected by a girl again. (ooooooohh... )
And yes, thus it then started the whole downward spiral of being emotional and everything you can imagine a guy doing to just shift his focus away from the issue at hand...

To be frank, it wasn't my first rejection, it was prolly the number 5 time? i kindda lost count after so many incidents... it really made me wonder if there was ANYTHING wrong with me, and it was worse when most of them thought i'm a nice guy, an awesome one and etc, just that they didn't feel the same as i did... and that sucked... it really made me feel worthless, hopeless, and kept me wondering if i would ever be 'good enough' for anyone...

(disclaimer: no, i'm not fishing for sympathy, i'm just listing out facts as it is ..)

without talking about it, sucking it all up, being the mostly introvert person, i kept it all inside; on the outside, most people still saw me as awesome, doing fine and everything, but i guess, its the same for everyone else who has went through those cycles: putting up a mask seemed to be a good idea...

slowly, without realizing, putting up a mask became a habit. The mask worked fine for some time, and it was working fine when i first started my job, i started making the harder choice again, joining people of different ethic group for lunch instead of grouping together with all the chinese only - not that it was wrong, but that somewhat backfired. the group of people i decided to join with had different ideas and plans, some went to the gym for lunch breaks, some decided packing lunch everyday was a good idea, some decided to mix with people of their ethic group .. and the group disbanded.. and i was left alone again... ( dear colleagues, if you're reading this, no, please, it's not your fault :) )

at first, it was okay, eating lunch alone wasn't a bad idea since i didn't have internet connection at home, getting a quick lunch and then using the internet after lunch was a brilliant idea.. but that backfired too after a while ... and so i went back to the mask.

But a mask can only hide away so much, when the mask broke, i started to doubt myself especially in the area of relating with people in general, i shunt away people, i eat alone (and yes, i've been eating alone ever since for both lunch and dinner except when invited), and turned myself to movies, series after series, games, internet, and everything that i could hide myself in.

in terms of serving in church, or doing my job, i've done both well despite the pain. i think that's because guys are just able to compartmentalize different issues to different boxes in their system... job has been awesome, i've been doing a good job, getting compliments from my managers - things you'd expect from a "normal Clarence" ...

6 months passed since i started working, things are still the same i guess.
I'm sorry to all the people i'm close with which suffered indirectly or directly during these times of emotional turmoil, it's easy to blow up when you're pissed with yourself. For those that i've been avoiding or was being shunt away, it's not that i hate you guys or have loved you all lesser because i'm now a working adult, i just don't know how to regulate myself anymore. shutting people out seemed to be a good idea when you doubt yourself.

and to end this emo post, i just wanna say sorry again for being less-awesome. i guess shutting off things helped a lot of emotional turmoils to sink, BUT at the price of being more emotional at the end of it.

if you're questioning whether or not i surrendered the issue to God... rest assured, throughout the entire 'adventure' i did that... did it work? well, yes it did, but only at times when i was aware that it's in His hands, the other times when fear loomed around taunting me, i felt the fear and the pain again.. things are getting better, i'm emotionally slightly more stable.. i think..

rest assured, He's taking care of me, it may not be an easy road to walk, but i know He's with me. He's walking with me, though yes, fears are real and taunting at times, but knowing that He's here for me, i think i will survive. and yes, i've been eating of Him daily to remind myself of His love for me..

if you read this, thanks for reading, i wouldn't mind if you kept me in prayer hahaha, being a "strong" one, i guess most people would turn an eye away saying he'll be fine (which eventually will happen) and it's not their fault for thinking as such..

to sum it up, sorry, thank you, happy Good Friday! and good bye for now.

Till i blog again

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

God of so much more...

I'm sure many of you have heard of the following phrase:

If it's not broken, don't fix it

I used to agree with it, and have a same opinion with it... that, Hey.. if it's still working, why bother?

Little did i know that... it's actually a kind of poverty mindset..

A poverty mindset keeps a person from achieving their destiny, by just doing enough and not excelling in the things that they do.

it's the same as saying, "I can provide for my family, just barely enough, and that's okay" (ie: i don't need to do anything about it)

Heck, it's not okay, it's not even biblical! The poverty mindset is one that has taken root in many lives, unknowingly. With such pattern of thought, it is no surprise that most people are living in a below-par sub-standard lifestyle.

Want some proof that it's not biblical?

1) Miracle of Overflowing oil - 2 Kings 4:1-7
The wife of a man from the company of the prophets cried out to Elisha, “Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that he revered the Lord. But now his creditor is coming to take my two boys as his slaves.”

Elisha replied to her, “How can I help you? Tell me, what do you have in your house?”

“Your servant has nothing there at all,” she said, “except a small jar of olive oil.”

Elisha said, “Go around and ask all your neighbors for empty jars. Don’t ask for just a few. Then go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons. Pour oil into all the jars, and as each is filled, put it to one side.”

She left him and shut the door behind her and her sons. They brought the jars to her and she kept pouring. When all the jars were full, she said to her son, “Bring me another one.”

But he replied, “There is not a jar left.” Then the oil stopped flowing.

She went and told the man of God, and he said, “Go, sell the oil and pay your debts. You and your sons can live on what is left.”

Do you have any idea how much a bottle of oil cost? not much, but yet, the widow and her sons (i'm assuming they would be big eaters) can LIVE ON WHAT IS LEFT ... that's mind blowing... God didn't provide JUST ENOUGH, He provided MORE THAN ENOUGH!

2) In the topic of giving - Luke 6:38
Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

It says give, and it will be given back to you. Logically thinking, give and you will have lesser; that's the problem with us not having a renewed mind! See, the bible promises that when we give, it will be given back to you, GOOD MEASURE, PRESSED DOWN, SHAKEN TOGETHER, and RUNNING OVER. Isn't that more than enough too?

I remember hearing an illustration from my pastor about how the shopkeeper would scoop a can of rice as quickly as possible so that the can would look like it's filled, but in fact, having air pockets inside. And in this verse, it says, PRESSED DOWN, SHAKEN TOGETHER, and RUNNING OVER... its really the opposite of how the shopkeeper would react..

And yes, this is kingdom values and principles!

3) Miracles of Fish & Bread - Matt 14:15-21
As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food.”

Jesus replied, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.”

“We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered.

“Bring them here to me,” he said. And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children.

See, here once again it says that THERE WERE LEFTOVER, 12 basketfuls. Isn't that more than enough? Was Jesus being wasteful? I mean, since the people all ate, and were SATISFIED... the leftover, was it being wasteful?

No, i'm sure He wasn't.. it's just how He is, He wants to provide more than enough! I'm sure there's more in the bible to proof this point..

Also, note how the disciples thought "“We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered." ... ONLY... that's a sign of the poverty mindset, isn't that something we say often? think about it...

God can do A LOT with the little that we have...

Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that don't be thankful with what you have! That's not my point, i'm saying that God's principle is abundance.

Anyways, back to where i started....

Earlier today, i saw a post by a friend on another friend's facebook wall regarding a person called "Nikola Tesla", i'm sure many of you have heard of him too. Here's the link: (here)

* Note: I have no affiliations with TheOatMeal ... and in fact, i'm not too pleased with the language used in the comic..

After reading about Tesla, i thought, hmm.. let's check out if he's a christian.. cuz i know of many christians who had amazing ideas and heavenly downloads of ideas and concept beyond their time... and guess what? yes, in fact, Tesla was a christian, and came from a family of priest for generations...

To me, Tesla was a good example of a person who has the gift and the grace from God to pull things beyond his time into his present day, and yes, i'm believing for that same gift and grace too. It is, in fact, a tool that is useful in conquering the 7 mountains. Personally, i think Tesla did a good job in conquering his mountain that God has place him in.

I honestly think that God has placed him there for a higher purpose, but i think that he failed to achieve that higher purpose, nevertheless, i'm grateful for all the ideas and inventions that he came up with.

Here is Tesla's view on Christianity:
Taken from: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=163787613661366

"So we find that the three possible solutions of the great problem of increasing human energy are answered by the three words: food, peace, work. Many a year I have thought and pondered, lost myself in speculations and theories, considering man as a mass moved by a force, viewing his inexplicable movement in the light of a mechanical one, and applying the simple principles of mechanics to the analysis of the same until I arrived at these solutions, only to realize that they were taught to me in my early childhood. These three words sound the key-notes of the Christian religion. Their scientific meaning and purpose now clear to me: food to increase the mass, peace to diminish the retarding force, and work to increase the force accelerating human movement. These are the only three solutions which are possible of that great problem, and all of them have one object, one end, namely, to increase human energy. When we recognize this, we cannot help wondering how profoundly wise and scientific and how immensely practical the Christian religion is, and in what a marked contrast it stands in this respect to other religions. It is unmistakably the result of practical experiment and scientific observation which have extended through the ages, while other religions seem to be the outcome of merely abstract reasoning. Work, untiring effort, useful and accumulative, with periods of rest and recuperation aiming at higher efficiency, is its chief and ever-recurring command. Thus we are inspired both by Christianity and Science to do our utmost toward increasing the performance of mankind. This most important of human problems I shall now specifically consider."

I'm not saying that i totally agree with what Tesla said, but i guess he had a point, and yes, it all points back to Christianity.


I guess the point of my whole post is just to say that...

No, Clarence, you're not subscribing to the below-par sub-standard poverty mindset, you're subscribing to His values, His nature, and His principles. You have a renewed mind, you have a kingdom mindset.

And yes, i'm believing for the same anointing, same, and even greater grace and gift in this area of innovation, in view of conquering the mountain that He has placed me into. So now, i receive this anointing by faith. Knowing fully, that it's not for myself, its main purpose is in revealing the Son, who gave it all.


yes, updates about life... which i've not been doing... haha..

Well, it's been 2 weeks plus since i came back from China, it was definitely a good experience, i'll prolly leave that to another post.. haha.. made tons of new friends... definitely an eye opening experience!

Asides from that, i also came back from Phuket (Before China) .. i went there with a bunch of awesome friends as our graduation trip, despite not being able to join the IF Camp in Melaka, i would say, it's okay :)

* note: both trip's pictures can be found in my facebook page.

Also, i just got my student status changed from "ACTIVE" to "GRADUATED" yesterday! *YAY* 6 years of Tertiary education finally came to an end!

Also, i'm in the midst of composing a new song.. heh.. the words were there when i was worshiping .. but now it's gone, so i need Him to show them to me again haha...
yes, ill post it here when it's done :)

Till i blog again

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Letting go... ?

Just like any healthy mother who wants the best for her kids,
she would wake up earlier,
prepare the table, get the breakfast done,
make sure the kids wakes up on time, get ready and etc.

Well, honestly, i FEEL like a mother.. at least, few months back... i know its been a while since i last blogged.. but the strange feeling of wanting to jot down something bubbled up from within.

Having to take care of the Christian Fellowship of MMU for the past 2 years had placed me in a position of wanting the best for my "kids" a.k.a. people under my care, like a mother, constantly having to lookout for her kids, making sure they are alright, eating properly, making good friends and are around good companies in school..well, that was what i feel.. i think.

But yea, the time came where i had to let go. It was definitely not an easy thing to do... but here's a good illustration i came up with .. or rather He inspired..

Like how a mom teaches her child to write, until she lets go of his hands. She'll never find out how much he has learned.

As much as i didn't really want to.. i didn't have much choice of not letting go. But i suppose, it all works out for good. Of course there are times when the mother figure has to step in again, to make sure the child is writing properly. But all in all.... i'm happy to see what's happening now :)

Yes, its time to move on. Not to abandon, but to continue to impart a greater vision upon my kids' lives! I may not always be able to be there for them anymore, but they'll know when to call MUM! when they need it :D .. i think :))

Anyways, IT FEELS GOOD writing again.. i hope the next won't be as short... and too far away.. haha..

Well, till i blog again ;)

Saturday, May 19, 2012

211: Oh, how great is the Love

Hi peeps, its been a while huh? haha...

Faith, hope and trust propels me forward into my destiny when i look at the things that God has done, and is doing in my life.

When i focus on the things that "God hasn't done" or hasn't happen in my life, based on what i think is best or even things He promised... i propel myself backwards into a downward spiral, into despair, unbelief, hurt and offense towards people around me and even towards God.

The lenses i put on, would determine how i face life.

Till i blog again