[ ᴃᴚiפʜᴌ ᵴᴌᴗᴆiᴏ ]: March 2013

Friday, March 29, 2013

Misc - The Me i Never Knew.

Hi peeps,

sorry for the lack of update and the long hiatus from the bloggingsphere, life has been life... a never ending sine wave of happy and sorrowful moments.
I've guess it's about time for me to just write it all out, release this heavy burden that has been pressing me in.

Let's see, to start off, i'll continue from where i left off from my last post, which i practically can't remember what was it about [brb, reads previous post] Okay, i'm back, so it seems like i've updated you slightly about the Phuket trip and China trip, in case you didn't read, both were awesome, looking back, it was a lil too short :(

And so, after returning from the trips, i started a new phase of life - the job searching phase and the working life phase.
Not too long after the trips, i started work on the 10th of Sept 2012, i was offered a job as a "Service information Developer" which basically is just a programmer's job with a fancy name, Hewlett Packard is the name of my new found employer.

Taking a quick time travel back to the last few months of studying, to cut the long story short, i was rejected by a girl again. (ooooooohh... )
And yes, thus it then started the whole downward spiral of being emotional and everything you can imagine a guy doing to just shift his focus away from the issue at hand...

To be frank, it wasn't my first rejection, it was prolly the number 5 time? i kindda lost count after so many incidents... it really made me wonder if there was ANYTHING wrong with me, and it was worse when most of them thought i'm a nice guy, an awesome one and etc, just that they didn't feel the same as i did... and that sucked... it really made me feel worthless, hopeless, and kept me wondering if i would ever be 'good enough' for anyone...

(disclaimer: no, i'm not fishing for sympathy, i'm just listing out facts as it is ..)

without talking about it, sucking it all up, being the mostly introvert person, i kept it all inside; on the outside, most people still saw me as awesome, doing fine and everything, but i guess, its the same for everyone else who has went through those cycles: putting up a mask seemed to be a good idea...

slowly, without realizing, putting up a mask became a habit. The mask worked fine for some time, and it was working fine when i first started my job, i started making the harder choice again, joining people of different ethic group for lunch instead of grouping together with all the chinese only - not that it was wrong, but that somewhat backfired. the group of people i decided to join with had different ideas and plans, some went to the gym for lunch breaks, some decided packing lunch everyday was a good idea, some decided to mix with people of their ethic group .. and the group disbanded.. and i was left alone again... ( dear colleagues, if you're reading this, no, please, it's not your fault :) )

at first, it was okay, eating lunch alone wasn't a bad idea since i didn't have internet connection at home, getting a quick lunch and then using the internet after lunch was a brilliant idea.. but that backfired too after a while ... and so i went back to the mask.

But a mask can only hide away so much, when the mask broke, i started to doubt myself especially in the area of relating with people in general, i shunt away people, i eat alone (and yes, i've been eating alone ever since for both lunch and dinner except when invited), and turned myself to movies, series after series, games, internet, and everything that i could hide myself in.

in terms of serving in church, or doing my job, i've done both well despite the pain. i think that's because guys are just able to compartmentalize different issues to different boxes in their system... job has been awesome, i've been doing a good job, getting compliments from my managers - things you'd expect from a "normal Clarence" ...

6 months passed since i started working, things are still the same i guess.
I'm sorry to all the people i'm close with which suffered indirectly or directly during these times of emotional turmoil, it's easy to blow up when you're pissed with yourself. For those that i've been avoiding or was being shunt away, it's not that i hate you guys or have loved you all lesser because i'm now a working adult, i just don't know how to regulate myself anymore. shutting people out seemed to be a good idea when you doubt yourself.

and to end this emo post, i just wanna say sorry again for being less-awesome. i guess shutting off things helped a lot of emotional turmoils to sink, BUT at the price of being more emotional at the end of it.

if you're questioning whether or not i surrendered the issue to God... rest assured, throughout the entire 'adventure' i did that... did it work? well, yes it did, but only at times when i was aware that it's in His hands, the other times when fear loomed around taunting me, i felt the fear and the pain again.. things are getting better, i'm emotionally slightly more stable.. i think..

rest assured, He's taking care of me, it may not be an easy road to walk, but i know He's with me. He's walking with me, though yes, fears are real and taunting at times, but knowing that He's here for me, i think i will survive. and yes, i've been eating of Him daily to remind myself of His love for me..

if you read this, thanks for reading, i wouldn't mind if you kept me in prayer hahaha, being a "strong" one, i guess most people would turn an eye away saying he'll be fine (which eventually will happen) and it's not their fault for thinking as such..

to sum it up, sorry, thank you, happy Good Friday! and good bye for now.



Till i blog again